The Black Scary Movie

I was chatting with some friends discussing Cloverfield. If you haven't seen it, don't! However let's just say a forty foot creature attacked Atlanta. Let's say a girl I dated who came to my going away party with another guy called me and asked me to save her life. I'd reply "tell that hump who bought you to the party to save you PEACE!" I would be trying to escape to safety. If you are around me run the same way I run or be lost in tha sauce, ya dig? Maybe my princess Nina I would take a chance but that is it! Call me what you want to but I can't beat a forty foot monster. I am just saying. One of my friends bought up the point there has never been a good black scary movie. I personally think there never will be one. Well at least not realistic. There are several reasons for this. Let discuss some of them shall we?

First of all it would be about 5 minutes long.

Here is the scene – Simon and Suzi go on vacation in the place where a mad man killed a dozen people last year.

Simon – Say Suzi you hear that somebody killed 11 people there last year. They never caught him

Suzi – mo***fu**er what the hell ya cheap ass doing bringing me here for?

Simon – I just found out

Suzi – Turn this gotdamm car around and take me somewhere safe. In fact take me home. I should have listened to my sister about ya punk @$$.

There is where the movie would end, serious. Credits would be rolling at that point. The average black woman is NOT going into danger knowingly. She aint gonna fall either. Why? The same reason black folks are good runners. Every black neighborhood had a person who had a loose dog who chase the kids home. We learn to run from danger at an early age.

2^nd it is physically impossible to kill an entire group of black people.

If the mad man were to walk into a crowded room full of black people with an ax. Depending on where you were 1 of 3 things would happen

1) somebody would run to the trunk and bring back a heater and fill the mad man up with lead.

2) He would kill ONE person and the others would vanish into thin air.

3) Somebody would say "that mafunka got an AX!" again black folks will vanish.

4) Somebody has an aunt, cousin, grandma, who knows voodoo and will handle it

I have been at a club when a dude "I'm sick of this sh*t, I'm about to …." The club was empty in a split second. This is fact not fiction.

3^rd Black people don't stick around to investigate noises, animals, strange happenings, etc

If there is some new animal to be discovered believe me, black folks aint gonna discover it ok?

We have discover how to use peanuts 100 ways, created traffic lights, did the first open heart surgery, designed Washington DC, etc BUT a black man will never be the one in the woods to discover new kind of bear. Believe that

Let's do another scene shall we?

Here is the premise : Life long friends Tyrone (Black) and Jake (white) have found out there is a strange creature in the hills of Dover, Wisconsin. There have been several missing animals and people in the area. Jake wants to document the situation and be the first to video this strange creature. He gets a bunch of his friends together about 10 to make the journey together.

Jake – Everyone, thanks for coming. As you know the hill creature has never been captured on video. I want to be the first to do so.

Mandy – Hasn't everyone who tried ended up dead?

Jake – well yeah but that does not mean we can't be the first. We will be in history books

Mandy – hell I'm down, oh yeah

The entire group agrees to go the following weekend.

After the crowd has dispersed Tyrone goes to Jake

Tyrone – Jake can I borrow 800 dollars?

Jake – anything for you old buddy and writes a check

Tyrone and Jake then laugh about the years they have been friends

Tyrone gets in his car and leaves

Mandy and Jake make passionate love

The crew is together the following weekend to get the footage. Tyrone calls Jake saying he is sick. Jack is concerned but goes on without him.

The news gets back to Tyrone that his childhood buddy has gone missing.

Tyrone uses to the 800 to pay off his back support he owes the mother of the child

The movie goes off

Now you know where the black friend is in the movie. He stayed his ass home. Yes I know there is a 'token' black fella in the movies. But he ain't real believe me. If there is a hint of danger? HELLS NO. He needs a check. I watch national geographic/discovery channel all the time I rarely see a black person in the mix.

So here is the reality of it. Black folks lets be real. There may never be a good black scary movie. IF there is it would have to be very fake. Cause yall know in real life you would never stick around. Now this is not to disrespect white people. Nor am I saying black people are right either. I am just saying we live different is all. We deal with danger different. Not that one is better than the other just different is all. So don't wait for that great black scary movie it ain't coming.

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President Straight Male Pride Foundation

Simon Stone