So I am talking to a old friend. Who has been married for 11 years. He told me he is in the dog house with his wife. The reason, he told her the truth. No ladies settle down he was not cheating, No he doesn't have a child outside of the marriage, No he didn't waste the rent on a stripper (thats a different friend and a different post to come) None of the things that women would turn over a table and murder a husband slowly and painfully over.
What he said was that they have not had "relations"* in 4 months and what could be done bring the spice back. She pooped a chicken.How dare he be selfish and talk about his needs. She is a working woman with a child. She will get to him when time permits. Now I know the ladies will say "well how did he say it?" "When did he say it?"etc. It does not matter ladies and let me tell you why. The fact this man reached out means he loves so much, he wants to mend things. NOW had he just said "to hell with her" and got side piece, THEN he is wrong. However in the context of this situation. SHE is wrong ....... I am going to pause for a second as I know some ladies fainted and some are plotting to Wesley Snipe me but hear me out
. Men are sensitive creatures just like ladies. We feel everything you all feel. The only difference is ladies get emotional and expresses herself in ANY TONE, it is strength. A man has to sit, think, how to do it the "right" way or face being an episode of "Snapped". In reality there is NOT a right way to say certain things to a woman. More than likely you will offend her and make the situation worse. Which where the question is presented "Do women really want to hear the truth?
Now before my ladies just up and down "Even if it hurts I want the truth" I want you to really think about the answer. Truth can lead to opening a rabbit hole that a man may never get out of. Imagine if a man answered you honestly all the time. How long would that man be around? What if men expressed the way we felt honestly to you no filter? More than likely he would be labeled verbally abusive. Even if he whispered these said facts with roses, chocolates in the form of a poem. Thats reality
So ladies I ask Do you really want to hear the truth or nice lie.
The friend I started this blog about now feels he can't talk to his wife anymore from fear. See where problems start? Which a lot of men feel that way. There is where is the disconnect begins in a relationship. Now had he just went out and cheated he would be a no good dirty down b@$tard. How does a man talk to woman the right about problems?thanks to K Trimmer for the edirs
I want the truth. I met someone on January 26, 2009 and from the moment we spoke, before we even met, we had that discussion. We have been friends for the last year and a half plus and we have always done nothing but tell the truth. That is one thing we always agreed to. We talk a minimum of 5 days a week and we have spent a great deal of time together during this time. Our friendship has grown to a great respect and love for each other. I am the type of person that would rather have the absolute truth than deal with lies. Once you tell a lie, you have to tell another and another until you no longer even comprehend what truth is.
ReplyDeleteI also am probably not like most women in that I believe that you HAVE to have balance whether you are a working woman with a child or not...you MUST take care of your man, or he will seek out what he needs. You take care of him, he has no reason to stray. And if he does stray, you need to look in the mirror and figure out what you did wrong - not look at him. Relationships are two way streets and you have to be willing to accept the good and the bad and be open with your communication. Men have the capacity to love and there are some men who will remain faithful as long as a relationship is reciprocal. Reciprocity is the key!
I truly wish your friend good will...if he really loves her he will fight for that...if she really loves him, she will stop the bullshit and open her eyes. If not, she will lose him.
e
Then my question is how does he tell her the truth ?
ReplyDeleteIf in 11 years of being together, there has to be some level of communication. He has to find the right time - make the right time...no kids, no bullshit candles and candies and all that other stuff...a park maybe or a quiet place, just the two of them and he is just gonna have to be straight up with her and he is going to have to make her LISTEN. He has to have her attention and she needs to understand - he needs to make her understand - that it is important to him...and if he has any importance to her life, she needs to give him this time.
ReplyDeleteThere is a time and a place for all the frills and this to me just isnt that time, but he has to get her attention enough to make her understand how important it is to him.
OK, where to start? You can take care of your man and he can STILL stray. For some men, it's about more than just his woman giving him sex. With some men (hell people in general), no matter what you do, you'll never be able to fulfill their needs because sometimes those needs aren't conducive to a healthy relationship. Some men like the thrill of outside conquests. Some men can swear they love their women to the end of the earth and still they stray. It's more about KNOWING your man, yourself and the relationship you are in and what you will and will NOT put up with.
ReplyDeleteThere are ALWAYS signs. If you notice your man is affectionate and you do not return said affection, it could be said that you're not giving him what he needs. BUT if he KNOWS you're not the affectionate type and he stays with you anyway, then he's complicit in your lack of affection and therefore can't use that as an excuse...for whatever.
After 11 years of marriage, is he REALLY just now discovering that she's selfish? Is he really just now noticing that he can't talk to her? Has he NEVER had a heart-to-heart conversation with her about anything?
You shouldn't have to FORCE someone who claims to care about you to listen to you. You shouldn't have to MAKE someone understand your needs. Someone who truly loves you should care about your needs and what makes you happy and vice versa. Intimacy is a part of a healthy relationship and if she isn't willing to give him intimacy, in any capacity, then what exactly is she expecting him to do? The fact that he brought it to her instead of going outside of his marriage is a testament to his desire to hold true to his commitment.
Women are quick to tell a man that he ain't shit but let's face it, we have moments when we ain't shit either. And when your man is trying to honestly communicate his feelings and you refuse to listen well...
"e" mentioned reciprocity and that is key but so is honesty and the willingness to know when you need to be unselfish.
As for wanting the truth over a lie - I'll take the truth anytime. I've been hurt way too many times and too deeply over lies. My motto is, "I'd rather you hurt me with the truth than kill me with a lie." {Don't steal that Simon - ;-) }
Taking care of your man, in my opinion, is not just about sex. A marriage, a committed relationship, a boyfriend/girlfriend situation should be a relationship in which you are fulfilled mentally, physically, sexually, spiritually, emotionally and financially. Communication, honesty and knowing what we are able to offer the relationship is all key. So many people go into situations without knowing who they are as individuals and if you don't know who you are, how can you possibly know who someone else is and make it work?
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree that "I'd rather you hurt me with the truth than kill me with a lie." No doubt!
all I can say is - FOUR MONTHS? There is a lot going wrong if they go for that long with no loving.
ReplyDelete